Guilt has a funny way of ruling your life. It’s like a
backpack full of heavy books that you can’t take off even when you finally make
it to that class that’s across campus. It’s full of heavy sighs and thoughts of
how you should have done things, but you can’t change the past so you try hard
to put on a brave face. Unfortunately, that brave face isn’t fooling anyone.
They know how you feel and some help, but others just make it worse.
I knew for a while that he wasn’t the right guy for me but I
hung on. I had a life with him; I wasn’t happy but at least I was proving to my
parents that I could stand on my own two feet. I care about him so much that I
felt I had to take care of him all the time and that really pissed me off. I
want to be taken care of too. I want to not worry about offending his friends
or making something that he won’t eat. I want someone to appreciate all the
hard work I am doing to make myself better and maybe have the same passion that
I do. I want someone who isn’t scared to leave the house.
I didn’t tell him that by leaving Lima, I was leaving him
also. I mean yes, he knows that we aren’t physically sitting in the same room
or living in the same apartment together but I didn’t have the courage to tell
him that I wasn’t coming back to our relationship. I care so much about him
that to see him cry and be so hurt by my actions was too hard to do. I care
about him so much that I let him continue the relationship even though it was
over for me.
I know that he is going to read this and be very mad with
me, but I need him to know that I feel terrible and that I still love him as if
he were family. I know that’s not the same as loving you as my partner and I’m
sorry that I didn’t have the courage to tell you to your face. I’m sorry that I
lied to you when I told you about the move in the very beginning.
***
There are a lot of things going on in my life that I never
thought I would have control over. I had a job and a roof over my head but I
don’t think I had something more important. I wasn’t happy. I regretted choices
I had made and I regret not starting grad school as soon as I could. I should
have done a lot of things and not done some other things but I made my choices
and now I need to grow from what I’ve learned.
So for those of you who don’t already know, I have left
Lima.
I’m back with my parents in Michigan and looking for a job
either temporary or something more permanent. I feel a little strange moving
into my old room and being on a different schedule or at least trying to be. I
feel really cut off but not because my family is terrible or anything like
that, just that I really wish I had something to do. I don’t like sitting
around the house feeling like a mooch or whatever.
I’m applying for jobs left and right and hoping that
something will come out of them for me even if it isn’t the most appealing
thing in the world. I just want to do something with my time.
Some of the big opportunities right now are:
Bandit industries, where dad works, is looking for a
clerical person. I drove there on Monday to apply in person and dad said that
he put in a good word with the HR people on Tuesday. I think that this could be
a good long term position with some good benefits if I do get in. I could look
for a place of my own (possibly with Cassi if we can work something out) and I
could work on my masters like I did while working in Lima.
There is also a coffee shop opening up in Clare that could
be a good opportunity to continue to use the barista stuff that I learned while
I was in Lima. The place is called Brewin’ on McEwan and I have applied both
online and in person so I hope that they see my eagerness to get back in the
groove of a coffee shop. A laid back atmosphere seems to work well with my
personality.
I had also applied to a long-term Spanish substitute
position at Montabella High School. I was really excited about this one and the
thought of sharing my passion for the language with a bunch of kids that I had
never met before. I know that it would have been more work than that but I was
still excited. Unfortunately, I received a call from the principal yesterday to
tell me that they had chosen someone else. He also wanted to ask if it would be
alright for him to send my information to another school which is also looking
to hire a long-term Spanish substitute. He told me I should hear from them in
the next couple days.
***
I have a new pet who made the trip with me from Lima, for
those of you who haven’t already seen him on Facebook. He’s a blue (Kentucky
Blue, so that dad couldn’t make me get rid of him) Betta Fish. He doesn’t take
up much space and he has been keeping me company lately. His name is Alexander
the Great because he had to fight and conquer a bunch of other fish who he got
dumped with after a wedding reception in the café where I used to work. The
people who’s celebration it was didn’t know that if you put two male Betta Fish
together, they will fight until there is only one living. So he’s a little beat
up but I love him and he’s helping me keep up my take-on-the-world attitude.
I heard today from my mom that my brother is considering
taking after his big sis. Zac is looking into an internship in the U.K. and he
wants it badly. I think he should go for it and I think that he would
absolutely love it if he did go. I’m so excited for him and very proud that he
is going after what he wants.
On the international note, I have applied to a program
through NYU for a summer session in Cuba. It would only be two weeks but there
would also be a class in New York beforehand so I would have a couple
adventures in one. The session is titled Cross-Cultural Experiences in Higher
Education so I’m looking forward to learning loads about Cuba and all she has
to offer.
On a national note, I may also end up in Portland with
Heather and Carlos. I’ve been meaning to get out there for a while but now that
life has pulled back the curtains for me, I’m making more serious plans. I
might go out there to live and work but I also don’t know how long it is going
to take for me to have the ability to get out there.
I’m ready to get to where I want to be and I’m back to
telling life who’s in charge. I want this for me and I’m not afraid to be a
little greedy right now.
Hold on world, I’m coming to conquer!
