This is coming from a bottle of wine or at least two thirds of it but I need to write it out. Just listen to me for a moment or keep reading I guess.
After some self-reflection, I want to write this apology out for everyone to read. I have not been a good friend or family member these last few years. I was chasing a black butterfly named adventure and it took me so far away from everyone I love and care about. The fun I had now feels like a mask for all the lonely days and nights when the people around me had no clue who I was.
Now here I sit, alone, in the dark, trying to figure out what I was chasing in the first place. I feel like I threw away everything I valued and it may be too late to get those relationships back. I feel like I've put myself in a hole that I dug for myself while I was chasing that black butterfly.
I'm so sorry to all those people I wasn't there for. I'm sorry that I was to focused to see that you needed me, and that I needed you to keep me grounded. I should have listened to you when you told me that things weren't going to pan out the way I want them to.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you were making happy memories. I know now how much I missed just from looking at the pictures of you and other people with smiles so bright they out shine the sun. Why couldn't I be there too?
I'm so sorry that I lost touch with those of you who live in different cities and time zones. I'm sorry that I stopped writing letters and that I put so little effort into our conversations when we did have them.
I'm sorry that I pretended to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry that I thought you wouldn't like me if I wasn't some big adventure type with loads of stories. I should have been up front with you and let you see the real me, the one who stays up late writing stories of lives made of fiction and will only exist on paper.
I feel like a lost child. I want to hide under the table and cry but I know that this is just the wine talking and I that I will suppress these words again tomorrow.
I know that I'm doing life wrong. I know I'm making mistakes. I just don't know how to make it better and live life with the same smiles I see all over Facebook.
Maybe I've had my time. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I need to just lie in the bed I've made and find a new happy.
To all those people who I love and care about, who are reading this terrible post, I hope that your lives are happy and I wish you nothing but the best no matter who your friends are or who you love.
Blessed Be
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Growing Up Is Hard
I'm back world!
I never left but that's okay because you didn't know either way.
I have officially been working for the cafe for a month now and I'm still happy with it. I don't dread going in to work and I am really enjoying the company of the people I work with. They are good people and they make me happy.
Yay Friends!
In case some of these new friends are reading this for the first time, welcome to my blog. Read at your own peril or something like that. Don't worry it won't bite you.
It has been three weeks in the apartment and I am happy to say that I am settling in nicely. Noah on the other hand seems to like unpacking as much as he likes the idea of running ten miles in a thunderstorm...
We will eventually get this place in order though. It just takes a little motivation.
Motivation that I rarely have after working 8 hour shifts.
No, real world, stop. You're making me old!
So yeah, life is treating me alright. I'm working hard and paying the bills. Not much money left over for food when I'm done but we do what we can with what we have. which is why I bought a crock pot and damn it I'm excited to use it.
Though I've been thinking about this health food issue more lately.
Why is it that Americans in low income situations tend to be overweight?
It's because low income families can't afford the healthy food after they pay the bills and the parents or whoever is doing the cooking comes home exhausted after working long hours so they don't want to cook and "work" when they get home. That's why Mc Donald's and other fast food is getting their money. No one is cooking, it's cheap, and it's fast.
If we want to be a healthier nation, they are going to have to do something about poverty first.
I'm sorry, you know I'm not politically active and you know that I don't usually write stuff like this but being in this situation makes me think about these debates. Why are rich people, who have never gone hungry in their lives, deciding how much people should be allowed to have in food stamps or whatever other money they are getting from the government? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Speaking of rich people making decisions though, I'd like to share with you a news story that hit my home town this week.
Program and Personnel Cut From Northern Michigan School
Rumor has it that not only are they going to cut the Chinese Immersion program, but the one high school teacher that they want to lay-off is the Spanish teacher. The one man who made my high school career something memorable. The one man who inspired me to be who I am today. The one man working so hard to keep that school on par with the rest of the state and the nation.
Laying him off would be the biggest mistake they could ever make.
I'm appalled that they would do this. I'm appalled at what they have done to the program that I helped create, the program that was designed (if done as it was outlined) to bring in both students and government funding to the school district. In their world apparently, sports are more important than education. No wonder I was the first kid from Farwell to be an exchange student, no one else can see past the state of Michigan.
They don't see how they are going to crush down so many good things that could have happened for that group of kids in the immersion program. They don't realize what having a second language can do for someone, the opportunities that a bilingual has, because they just took that option away from those kids and I am very sorry that it came to that. I am very sorry that the school board is made of uncultured, small town, royalty who feel they need to keep the status-quo.
I could go on for a long time on this issue, but I won't bore you. Chime in with comments if you want though.
There is a group on Facebook now, which I created, for people interested in reading one of my novels and possibly giving me feedback. I don't have any restrictions on who can see the group but if you would like to be invited please let me know and I will add you to the list of members.
Okay, I think I'll just end on something new I want to start. Maybe you'll learn something new.
This day in history:
In 1943 in Argentina, Juan Peron took part in the military coup that overthrew Ramon Castillo. He is most know for his second wife Eva Duarte known as Evita. June 4, 1946 he began his first term as president. He was elected two more times making him president until September 21, 1955 when he was overthrown.
Born on this day in 1738, George William Frederick, later known as George III, King of England. Early in his reign, Great Britain defeated France in the Seven Years' War, making England the dominant European power in North America and India. His reign later lost the American colonies to the Revolutionary War and he could not defeat Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815.
As always,
Blessed Be
I never left but that's okay because you didn't know either way.
I have officially been working for the cafe for a month now and I'm still happy with it. I don't dread going in to work and I am really enjoying the company of the people I work with. They are good people and they make me happy.
Yay Friends!
In case some of these new friends are reading this for the first time, welcome to my blog. Read at your own peril or something like that. Don't worry it won't bite you.
It has been three weeks in the apartment and I am happy to say that I am settling in nicely. Noah on the other hand seems to like unpacking as much as he likes the idea of running ten miles in a thunderstorm...
We will eventually get this place in order though. It just takes a little motivation.
Motivation that I rarely have after working 8 hour shifts.
No, real world, stop. You're making me old!
So yeah, life is treating me alright. I'm working hard and paying the bills. Not much money left over for food when I'm done but we do what we can with what we have. which is why I bought a crock pot and damn it I'm excited to use it.
Though I've been thinking about this health food issue more lately.
Why is it that Americans in low income situations tend to be overweight?
It's because low income families can't afford the healthy food after they pay the bills and the parents or whoever is doing the cooking comes home exhausted after working long hours so they don't want to cook and "work" when they get home. That's why Mc Donald's and other fast food is getting their money. No one is cooking, it's cheap, and it's fast.
If we want to be a healthier nation, they are going to have to do something about poverty first.
I'm sorry, you know I'm not politically active and you know that I don't usually write stuff like this but being in this situation makes me think about these debates. Why are rich people, who have never gone hungry in their lives, deciding how much people should be allowed to have in food stamps or whatever other money they are getting from the government? It just doesn't make sense to me.
Speaking of rich people making decisions though, I'd like to share with you a news story that hit my home town this week.
Program and Personnel Cut From Northern Michigan School
Rumor has it that not only are they going to cut the Chinese Immersion program, but the one high school teacher that they want to lay-off is the Spanish teacher. The one man who made my high school career something memorable. The one man who inspired me to be who I am today. The one man working so hard to keep that school on par with the rest of the state and the nation.
Laying him off would be the biggest mistake they could ever make.
I'm appalled that they would do this. I'm appalled at what they have done to the program that I helped create, the program that was designed (if done as it was outlined) to bring in both students and government funding to the school district. In their world apparently, sports are more important than education. No wonder I was the first kid from Farwell to be an exchange student, no one else can see past the state of Michigan.
They don't see how they are going to crush down so many good things that could have happened for that group of kids in the immersion program. They don't realize what having a second language can do for someone, the opportunities that a bilingual has, because they just took that option away from those kids and I am very sorry that it came to that. I am very sorry that the school board is made of uncultured, small town, royalty who feel they need to keep the status-quo.
I could go on for a long time on this issue, but I won't bore you. Chime in with comments if you want though.
There is a group on Facebook now, which I created, for people interested in reading one of my novels and possibly giving me feedback. I don't have any restrictions on who can see the group but if you would like to be invited please let me know and I will add you to the list of members.
Okay, I think I'll just end on something new I want to start. Maybe you'll learn something new.
This day in history:
In 1943 in Argentina, Juan Peron took part in the military coup that overthrew Ramon Castillo. He is most know for his second wife Eva Duarte known as Evita. June 4, 1946 he began his first term as president. He was elected two more times making him president until September 21, 1955 when he was overthrown.
Born on this day in 1738, George William Frederick, later known as George III, King of England. Early in his reign, Great Britain defeated France in the Seven Years' War, making England the dominant European power in North America and India. His reign later lost the American colonies to the Revolutionary War and he could not defeat Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo in 1815.
As always,
Blessed Be
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