Reflections

This is coming from a bottle of wine or at least two thirds of it but I need to write it out. Just listen to me for a moment or keep reading I guess.

After some self-reflection, I want to write this apology out for everyone to read. I have not been a good friend or family member these last few years. I was chasing a black butterfly named adventure and it took me so far away from everyone I love and care about. The fun I had now feels like a mask for all the lonely days and nights when the people around me had no clue who I was.

Now here I sit, alone, in the dark, trying to figure out what I was chasing in the first place. I feel like I threw away everything I valued and it may be too late to get those relationships back. I feel like I've put myself in a hole that I dug for myself while I was chasing that black butterfly.

I'm so sorry to all those people I wasn't there for. I'm sorry that I was to focused to see that you needed me, and that I needed you to keep me grounded. I should have listened to you when you told me that things weren't going to pan out the way I want them to.

I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you were making happy memories. I know now how much I missed just from looking at the pictures of you and other people with smiles so bright they out shine the sun. Why couldn't I be there too?

I'm so sorry that I lost touch with those of you who live in different cities and time zones. I'm sorry that I stopped writing letters and that I put so little effort into our conversations when we did have them.

I'm sorry that I pretended to be someone I'm not. I'm sorry that I thought you wouldn't like me if I wasn't some big adventure type with loads of stories. I should have been up front with you and let you see the real me, the one who stays up late writing stories of lives made of fiction and will only exist on paper.

I feel like a lost child. I want to hide under the table and cry but I know that this is just the wine talking and I that I will suppress these words again tomorrow.

I know that I'm doing life wrong. I know I'm making mistakes. I just don't know how to make it better and live life with the same smiles I see all over Facebook.

Maybe I've had my time. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I need to just lie in the bed I've made and find a new happy.

To all those people who I love and care about, who are reading this terrible post, I hope that your lives are happy and I wish you nothing but the best no matter who your friends are or who you love.

Blessed Be