It seems to be a new normal to sit in front of my computer with a good drink and my fingers flying over the keyboard in order to blog. I don't know why I feel like I want to blog when I pour myself a drink but here I am and here is what I have to say.
I'm not the same girl I was in high school.
I know that doesn't sound like anything new but let me make this clear in case there are any skeptics in the crowd.
I'm not the same girl I was in high school. I can't go back to that. There isn't any possible way of going back to being that person unless someone has a way to trap my brain there. That girl is gone. She grew up. She sees things differently now.
You see, experiences shape people. It's been proven with science that experiences shape thought and I've had my fair share of experiences.
Everything that made that girl in high school has disappeared for the most part. That girl hated how life was going on for her. She pushed the boundaries because she was bored with the old rules and the sheep that surrounded her daily life. She thought about escape nearly every minute. Not in suicide but in the comfort of the world within her own mind. Her neverland, where adventures were hers to be had and she could learn about anything she wanted without being blocked by rules and unavailability.
Then that girl escaped. She went out into the world by herself and learned what she wanted because she could. Adventure beckoned and she chased the call. She did things she could have never imagined doing in a million years and she grew.
She got out of the sheep that surrounded her and when she got back, she was sad to be stuck again. She was sad that the adventures kept calling but she couldn't go after them anymore, or so she thought. She found a way to get around those walls and ended up going on even bigger adventures. Her heart sang and her soul grew. She found who she was and thought she knew what she wanted to do with her life but she came back and the sheep were still there. Still doing the same thing, expecting her to fall into their pattern and share their goals.
After everything, the good and the bad, there was no going back to the way things used to be. There still isn't any chance for her to go back.
If you're thinking that you might be one of the sheep, then you might need to stop analyzing everything so closely. I used sheep as a metaphor, though seriously, I can think of no better word for the way my hometown functions.
Point is, don't ask me to be what is gone. Don't ask me to give up what I cling to for sanity in the rut I'm in. Don't tell me that I'm not the girl I was in high school because I already know that.
Now, moving on, I realize that I haven't given any details about Christmas, and the presents I received, but I don't think that I will divulge that information. If you gave me a gift, I appreciate it and everything that I got was so amazing but that's all I want to say about that. Christmas isn't about that sort of thing, or at least it shouldn't be.
I enjoyed my time with family and friends and I feel like it went by in the blink of an eye. Before I knew it, I was back to the monotony of a paying job.....but I can't complain, as I've said before, because that money is paying for books.
New years is tomorrow and I'm planning to go to a party even though I'll have to go without the comfort zone I've carried around me for a long time. I probably won't know many people there and I have to show up by myself because it's a 21 and older party to which I have a free ticket and the band Delightfuls will be playing at. I'm excited and nervous.
Maybe I'll get a kiss at midnight.
Yeah, okay, that's a reach. I just want to have some fun.
Working tomorrow so I'm going to wrap this up and move on.
Have a happy 2013 everyone! I hope it brings you everything that you deserve and I hope that the road bumps that come your way in this new year are small ones that are easily overcome.
Go on an adventure. Enjoy the time you have, because you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Blessed Be.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Christmas with a highlight on greed
Well,
I should have expected this. As soon as I got home things went crazy and I lost all sense of time.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to be around my family or that I hate Christmas, it's all the things coming together at once that are making life frustrating.
Boys are fickle. I don't understand them and I don't want to keep trying anymore. I threw all my energy into trying to make something work where nothing ever could and it took heartbreak for me to finally understand that. I want to find that right guy but I can't keep up the one-sided relationships. I can't be the girl who sits and waits for stuff to happen. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve or I'm going to keep getting hurt. So forgive me for the cold cruel exterior I've had to put up. Forgive me for not falling at your feet when you give me that line concocted to make me melt, I've learnt my lesson.
Opinions are roller coasters. I can't even begin to explain this one. Just people judging people or things before they even know what is going on or how things work are frustrating. If you can't see the whole picture how can you say that something or someone is bad? How can you have an opinion about something you don't even understand? Why does it have to be black and white?
I can see the gray. I know it's there.
2012 was a hoax. Does anyone even realize how much money was made off scaring people into believing that some kind of disaster is coming to end the world? We did the same thing when the millennium hit. So the Mayan calendar ended this year; did anyone consider the fact that their culture and writings were destroyed during the conquest? They probably could have made another calendar if they would have survived, don't you think?
Procrastination is human nature. Everyone needs a gift for Christmas. Everyone needs to receive something to feel like they are part of something. So the whole world is going to run to the stores, driving employees insane because they can't seem to do things fast enough for the world that wants instant satisfaction. Why leave it for the last minute anyway? So you can find the last item on the shelf and fight some little old lady over it or fight with an employee so that you can get it at a lower price because it's the last one?
What would happen if you got there when there were 20 on the shelf?
Working in a factory is depressing. I know that having a job is better than not having a job but the monotony of doing the same thing day after day just makes me sad. The same routine, the same faces, the same building with the same job to do... it gives me too much time to think about things...
I need a career where every day is different. I don't think I can handle a desk job. This is why I've got my heart set on joining the FBI. It will be a challenge to get in but I won't have so much monotony as I do working 10 hours a day in a factory, sewing thousands of handles at a time.
I'm grateful that I have a job at all over break though. I could be sitting at home being bored and thinking about things.... gaining 20 pounds in the process.
Life is difficult. I know that I have no right to complain but sometimes I just wish that I didn't have to take people's crap. I wish that people could see what I see. I wish I didn't feel like I need to get the hell out of dodge just to feel alive. I wish a whole lot of things that will never happen.
People daunt me with their attitudes toward the holiday. I don't understand the extremes. I don't see why you have to be overly Christmas, shove garland down someone's throat, arguing about the "real meaning of Christmas", playing Christmas music on repeat whenever you can. I also don't see why there is any reason to hate the holiday, even if it isn't what you celebrate. You get to have the day off work, in some cases paid for and you can do pretty much whatever you want with that time.
I may not feel the need to go to church for the holiday but at least I respect people's right to say Merry Christmas, if that makes sense.
So anyway. Finals turned out good and I got to see Ginny, Chuck, and Jenn before leaving for home. It was good to catch up even if we did get booted from Starbucks...
Mom and I saw her friend Chris and his band play in Jackson. They really rock but they didn't have the crowd they deserved at this bar where they played. The place was dead all night.
We went a little crazy the next day and went to like six different Goodwill stores on the way home. It was great spending time with her, just the two of us. We don't get to do that too often.
I've been working in the sewing department of Roger's, where mom works, since Monday the 17th. The forty hour work week is nothing to sneeze at and it will definitely help with books for next semester.
We've been shopping for a new vehicle since Zac had an accident that totaled the truck. He's perfectly fine but we've been a little locked up as far as transportation. Hopefully, things will go smoothly and mom and dad can get the trail blazer they've been looking at.
We went to Midland as a family in the loner car we have and battled the crowd in order to find gifts for each other. I won't tell you what I bought just in case someone reads this thinking I will and thus will be disappointed. (insert evil laughter here)
Tomorrow I'm going to see The Hobit with Cassi and we'll go to the little restaurant next to the theater afterwards just to chat and be silly girls. We haven't been together since Thanksgiving so we have catching up to do again.
As for the weeks ahead, I don't have much planned except for work. 6 am to 2:30 pm Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I might get up the guts to go to a New Year's party where Delightfuls are playing. This place called Harmony Hill that used to be Silver Ridge in Farwell.... It makes me nervous not having anyone to go with for some reason.
I can travel the world by myself but going to a party on New Year's in my home town makes me nervous.....
I don't make sense.
I'll be back in BG for classes starting on January 7th. I have a full morning schedule so that should be interesting. My friend from England, Daniel, should be back State-side around that time as well so I'm sure to have at least a few adventures with him.
Hopefully, I find time to blog between now and then but that's a sum up of what's going on in case I forget to blog again.
Hope everyone had a very Merry Yule this year.
May your hearth be ever warm in the dark days of the winter ahead.
Bright Blessing!
I should have expected this. As soon as I got home things went crazy and I lost all sense of time.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to be around my family or that I hate Christmas, it's all the things coming together at once that are making life frustrating.
Boys are fickle. I don't understand them and I don't want to keep trying anymore. I threw all my energy into trying to make something work where nothing ever could and it took heartbreak for me to finally understand that. I want to find that right guy but I can't keep up the one-sided relationships. I can't be the girl who sits and waits for stuff to happen. I can't wear my heart on my sleeve or I'm going to keep getting hurt. So forgive me for the cold cruel exterior I've had to put up. Forgive me for not falling at your feet when you give me that line concocted to make me melt, I've learnt my lesson.
Opinions are roller coasters. I can't even begin to explain this one. Just people judging people or things before they even know what is going on or how things work are frustrating. If you can't see the whole picture how can you say that something or someone is bad? How can you have an opinion about something you don't even understand? Why does it have to be black and white?
I can see the gray. I know it's there.
2012 was a hoax. Does anyone even realize how much money was made off scaring people into believing that some kind of disaster is coming to end the world? We did the same thing when the millennium hit. So the Mayan calendar ended this year; did anyone consider the fact that their culture and writings were destroyed during the conquest? They probably could have made another calendar if they would have survived, don't you think?
Procrastination is human nature. Everyone needs a gift for Christmas. Everyone needs to receive something to feel like they are part of something. So the whole world is going to run to the stores, driving employees insane because they can't seem to do things fast enough for the world that wants instant satisfaction. Why leave it for the last minute anyway? So you can find the last item on the shelf and fight some little old lady over it or fight with an employee so that you can get it at a lower price because it's the last one?
What would happen if you got there when there were 20 on the shelf?
Working in a factory is depressing. I know that having a job is better than not having a job but the monotony of doing the same thing day after day just makes me sad. The same routine, the same faces, the same building with the same job to do... it gives me too much time to think about things...
I need a career where every day is different. I don't think I can handle a desk job. This is why I've got my heart set on joining the FBI. It will be a challenge to get in but I won't have so much monotony as I do working 10 hours a day in a factory, sewing thousands of handles at a time.
I'm grateful that I have a job at all over break though. I could be sitting at home being bored and thinking about things.... gaining 20 pounds in the process.
Life is difficult. I know that I have no right to complain but sometimes I just wish that I didn't have to take people's crap. I wish that people could see what I see. I wish I didn't feel like I need to get the hell out of dodge just to feel alive. I wish a whole lot of things that will never happen.
People daunt me with their attitudes toward the holiday. I don't understand the extremes. I don't see why you have to be overly Christmas, shove garland down someone's throat, arguing about the "real meaning of Christmas", playing Christmas music on repeat whenever you can. I also don't see why there is any reason to hate the holiday, even if it isn't what you celebrate. You get to have the day off work, in some cases paid for and you can do pretty much whatever you want with that time.
I may not feel the need to go to church for the holiday but at least I respect people's right to say Merry Christmas, if that makes sense.
So anyway. Finals turned out good and I got to see Ginny, Chuck, and Jenn before leaving for home. It was good to catch up even if we did get booted from Starbucks...
Mom and I saw her friend Chris and his band play in Jackson. They really rock but they didn't have the crowd they deserved at this bar where they played. The place was dead all night.
We went a little crazy the next day and went to like six different Goodwill stores on the way home. It was great spending time with her, just the two of us. We don't get to do that too often.
I've been working in the sewing department of Roger's, where mom works, since Monday the 17th. The forty hour work week is nothing to sneeze at and it will definitely help with books for next semester.
We've been shopping for a new vehicle since Zac had an accident that totaled the truck. He's perfectly fine but we've been a little locked up as far as transportation. Hopefully, things will go smoothly and mom and dad can get the trail blazer they've been looking at.
We went to Midland as a family in the loner car we have and battled the crowd in order to find gifts for each other. I won't tell you what I bought just in case someone reads this thinking I will and thus will be disappointed. (insert evil laughter here)
Tomorrow I'm going to see The Hobit with Cassi and we'll go to the little restaurant next to the theater afterwards just to chat and be silly girls. We haven't been together since Thanksgiving so we have catching up to do again.
As for the weeks ahead, I don't have much planned except for work. 6 am to 2:30 pm Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I might get up the guts to go to a New Year's party where Delightfuls are playing. This place called Harmony Hill that used to be Silver Ridge in Farwell.... It makes me nervous not having anyone to go with for some reason.
I can travel the world by myself but going to a party on New Year's in my home town makes me nervous.....
I don't make sense.
I'll be back in BG for classes starting on January 7th. I have a full morning schedule so that should be interesting. My friend from England, Daniel, should be back State-side around that time as well so I'm sure to have at least a few adventures with him.
Hopefully, I find time to blog between now and then but that's a sum up of what's going on in case I forget to blog again.
Hope everyone had a very Merry Yule this year.
May your hearth be ever warm in the dark days of the winter ahead.
Bright Blessing!
Monday, December 10, 2012
All that matters is strength
This is finals week. This is me being seriously an emotional rollercoaster and mostly ranting so bare with me while I get all of this off my chest and sate my blood lust with writing.
I'm writing in anger. I don't do this. I try to separate myself from those people who wear emotion on their sleeve. I don't like showing people what they do to me when I fall apart. I don't like feeling like an uncontrollable torment but sometimes it has to come out.
I'm done being hurt. I'm done letting him drag me around like some little worthless piece of junk. I'm done being a meek girl with no voice of her own. I keep doing this to myself and I can't see why because I know what I'm getting into when I do.
I know that he was imaginary. That he wasn't going to be around when I needed him but I thought he was willing to work for me. I thought that he returned the feelings I had for him but it looks like again I was wrong and now I'm sitting here bitter and ready to beat the snot out of something.
There are even tears in my eyes.
Yeah, the final tears of whatever this volatile thing was. I won't do it again.
The walls have been cemented with anger and agony of dragging my heart through the mud. This is over. I'm better than this. I'm pretty awesome and I deserve to be treated as such.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not the center of the universe but seriously, I don't deserve to be the side dish or the desert or whatever metaphor you want from this. I deserve to hold his attention and I deserve not to be lied to. I deserve him showing up when he says he will and I deserve him actually having feelings for me.
I am NOT worthless.
I AM priceless.
So get that through your heads men because I'm done with you. I don't need you and your crap. I'm above that. I am a priestess of my own faith. I am a beloved daughter of the night. My eyes are open.
...
So December, you've been going to my pleasing.
No, not really.
Things could go better.
Some highlights from this past weekend though I believe are an order.
There was a Christmas get together at my aunt and uncle's in Toledo. It was great to see family and hang out with them for a few hours. It was a good change of scenery from my dorm room.
Plus, my grandparents are headed to Florida for the rest of the winter so it was good to see them again before they head out.
My aunt took me shopping today too. It was pretty awesome just hanging out with her and we went to this really cute tea shop for lunch. Someday I'd like to go back there just to sit and relax. The Chai was great.
Looking for a teapot by the way. I know I can probably get a basic one from like target or something but I just thought I'd put out the word that I'd like one.... tea cups too....
I need to calm down.
I'm thinking an early morning run may be an order in which case I'm leaving you all now in favor of angry music to take me off to dreamland.
~Bright Blessings~
I'm writing in anger. I don't do this. I try to separate myself from those people who wear emotion on their sleeve. I don't like showing people what they do to me when I fall apart. I don't like feeling like an uncontrollable torment but sometimes it has to come out.
I'm done being hurt. I'm done letting him drag me around like some little worthless piece of junk. I'm done being a meek girl with no voice of her own. I keep doing this to myself and I can't see why because I know what I'm getting into when I do.
I know that he was imaginary. That he wasn't going to be around when I needed him but I thought he was willing to work for me. I thought that he returned the feelings I had for him but it looks like again I was wrong and now I'm sitting here bitter and ready to beat the snot out of something.
There are even tears in my eyes.
Yeah, the final tears of whatever this volatile thing was. I won't do it again.
The walls have been cemented with anger and agony of dragging my heart through the mud. This is over. I'm better than this. I'm pretty awesome and I deserve to be treated as such.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not the center of the universe but seriously, I don't deserve to be the side dish or the desert or whatever metaphor you want from this. I deserve to hold his attention and I deserve not to be lied to. I deserve him showing up when he says he will and I deserve him actually having feelings for me.
I am NOT worthless.
I AM priceless.
So get that through your heads men because I'm done with you. I don't need you and your crap. I'm above that. I am a priestess of my own faith. I am a beloved daughter of the night. My eyes are open.
...
So December, you've been going to my pleasing.
No, not really.
Things could go better.
Some highlights from this past weekend though I believe are an order.
There was a Christmas get together at my aunt and uncle's in Toledo. It was great to see family and hang out with them for a few hours. It was a good change of scenery from my dorm room.
Plus, my grandparents are headed to Florida for the rest of the winter so it was good to see them again before they head out.
My aunt took me shopping today too. It was pretty awesome just hanging out with her and we went to this really cute tea shop for lunch. Someday I'd like to go back there just to sit and relax. The Chai was great.
Looking for a teapot by the way. I know I can probably get a basic one from like target or something but I just thought I'd put out the word that I'd like one.... tea cups too....
I need to calm down.
I'm thinking an early morning run may be an order in which case I'm leaving you all now in favor of angry music to take me off to dreamland.
~Bright Blessings~
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Warning! December has Arrived.
Alrighty, one month left for this year and then everything starts fresh.
Unless of course, we all die on the 21st.
That would mean no Christmas.
Personally, I'm not going to do anything different. I would still get to celebrate Yule even if the world ends, though I highly doubt that it will. We won't even have a blip of a problem. Everything will just keep going like it always has until the sun explodes or we create a nuclear winter or whatever from human pollution. That could be interesting to witness but I'm not cheering you on people.
If I'm offending you with my lack of Christmas spirit, then I apologize because Christmas for me isn't about buying a bunch of junk for people or putting up ridiculous decoration because tradition dictates that you should. Christmas for me is not about what I receive from the mythical Santa guy or the music that I can't stand because it has started playing as soon as Halloween is over.
I'm a total Scrooge if you want to go that route but I've stopped caring what people think so go ahead and knock your socks off trying to get a rise out of me.
Frankly, I'm old school. When I think Christmas, I think of laughing and sharing stories and general being together with my family. I don't care if they give me a gift or not (I'd actually prefer not to get gifts because they make me feel guilty), I just care that they're around and love me.
I think of the smell of pine in the house and the smiles on my brothers' faces. I think of curling up, wrapped in a blanket (by a fire some years), with a physical book in my hands. I think of disconnecting just to be with my family, not about who's not calling or texting to tell me "Merry Christmas".
I think of the times when I was younger and people who I love and are no longer with us were around. I think about making snow people and sledding and a big mug of hot cocoa after your fingers go numb. Yes, I've grown out of enjoying the snow, but there was a time when I would run around with my brothers and ride the plastic sled down the hill, jumping out at the last second to avoid the tree at the bottom of the sledding hill...
I even remember building snow forts out of snow piles. I remember getting dad out in the snow to play with us. He was the best at either making us laugh or getting snow in our face via snowball. (Zac, I think you hold the record for snow in the face but Zeke's a very close second). Dad was the best at fixing our snow forts too.
I think of broken glass jello, and birthday cakes to Jesus made by grandma, now made by mom. I remember cheesy potatoes and spiral cut, honey glazed ham that made the whole house smell sweet. I remember cinnamon rolls and sausage balls.
I remember the one time Santa hid all of Zac's presents because he was a grinch.
I remember giving mom and dad handmade gifts from school because I made them and they were automatically awesome no matter how ugly they were.
I remember getting my first tattoo with mom for Christmas when I was 16.
It's still not about the material stuff though and as many would agree, people in general have lost touch of that. I don't want to stop you from getting people gifts or decorating your yard with thousands of lights so that you can see your house from outer space, just think about the people around you. Think about family and why Christmas meant so much to you as a kid. Make a memory instead of buying a gift. Sometimes that's tons more valuable.
So please excuse my lack of shopping enthusiasm and the fact that I don't plan on celebrating anyone but my family's births. Daddy, I love you! Happy Birthday! Heather, you're my favorite twin! Happy Birthday! Grandpa Doug, thank you for being around and always offering me your love. Happy Birthday! Grandma, even though I might not be able to make the journey to put a rose on your grave this year, know that I'm thinking of you. This was your favorite time of year and I will never forget the broken glass jello no matter where I am or how old I get. It's tradition.
On that note, I look forward to the end of this school semester. It's been tough and stressful but I've got a week left of classes and finals week after that. Two weeks from today and I'll be headed home. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of trials. Thanks for sticking with me people. It was a bumpy ride and with some luck we'll make it to see 2013 and Zac's graduation from high school (man, do I feel old). I don't know what the future may bring for me but I know that all I can hope to think about is one day. One day at a time, slow and steady. No winning or losing, just living. That's all I need.
I hope you enjoy whatever you do with the end of this year. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, enjoy the memories you have with them.
And most importantly, stay safe.
Blessed Be
Unless of course, we all die on the 21st.
That would mean no Christmas.
Personally, I'm not going to do anything different. I would still get to celebrate Yule even if the world ends, though I highly doubt that it will. We won't even have a blip of a problem. Everything will just keep going like it always has until the sun explodes or we create a nuclear winter or whatever from human pollution. That could be interesting to witness but I'm not cheering you on people.
If I'm offending you with my lack of Christmas spirit, then I apologize because Christmas for me isn't about buying a bunch of junk for people or putting up ridiculous decoration because tradition dictates that you should. Christmas for me is not about what I receive from the mythical Santa guy or the music that I can't stand because it has started playing as soon as Halloween is over.
I'm a total Scrooge if you want to go that route but I've stopped caring what people think so go ahead and knock your socks off trying to get a rise out of me.
Frankly, I'm old school. When I think Christmas, I think of laughing and sharing stories and general being together with my family. I don't care if they give me a gift or not (I'd actually prefer not to get gifts because they make me feel guilty), I just care that they're around and love me.
I think of the smell of pine in the house and the smiles on my brothers' faces. I think of curling up, wrapped in a blanket (by a fire some years), with a physical book in my hands. I think of disconnecting just to be with my family, not about who's not calling or texting to tell me "Merry Christmas".
I think of the times when I was younger and people who I love and are no longer with us were around. I think about making snow people and sledding and a big mug of hot cocoa after your fingers go numb. Yes, I've grown out of enjoying the snow, but there was a time when I would run around with my brothers and ride the plastic sled down the hill, jumping out at the last second to avoid the tree at the bottom of the sledding hill...
I even remember building snow forts out of snow piles. I remember getting dad out in the snow to play with us. He was the best at either making us laugh or getting snow in our face via snowball. (Zac, I think you hold the record for snow in the face but Zeke's a very close second). Dad was the best at fixing our snow forts too.
I think of broken glass jello, and birthday cakes to Jesus made by grandma, now made by mom. I remember cheesy potatoes and spiral cut, honey glazed ham that made the whole house smell sweet. I remember cinnamon rolls and sausage balls.
I remember the one time Santa hid all of Zac's presents because he was a grinch.
I remember giving mom and dad handmade gifts from school because I made them and they were automatically awesome no matter how ugly they were.
I remember getting my first tattoo with mom for Christmas when I was 16.
It's still not about the material stuff though and as many would agree, people in general have lost touch of that. I don't want to stop you from getting people gifts or decorating your yard with thousands of lights so that you can see your house from outer space, just think about the people around you. Think about family and why Christmas meant so much to you as a kid. Make a memory instead of buying a gift. Sometimes that's tons more valuable.
So please excuse my lack of shopping enthusiasm and the fact that I don't plan on celebrating anyone but my family's births. Daddy, I love you! Happy Birthday! Heather, you're my favorite twin! Happy Birthday! Grandpa Doug, thank you for being around and always offering me your love. Happy Birthday! Grandma, even though I might not be able to make the journey to put a rose on your grave this year, know that I'm thinking of you. This was your favorite time of year and I will never forget the broken glass jello no matter where I am or how old I get. It's tradition.
On that note, I look forward to the end of this school semester. It's been tough and stressful but I've got a week left of classes and finals week after that. Two weeks from today and I'll be headed home. There is a light at the end of this tunnel of trials. Thanks for sticking with me people. It was a bumpy ride and with some luck we'll make it to see 2013 and Zac's graduation from high school (man, do I feel old). I don't know what the future may bring for me but I know that all I can hope to think about is one day. One day at a time, slow and steady. No winning or losing, just living. That's all I need.
I hope you enjoy whatever you do with the end of this year. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, enjoy the memories you have with them.
And most importantly, stay safe.
Blessed Be
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